


9th Day of Winter - Fallacy of the Fat Man

by unjaundiced



Series: Winter Spirits [11]
Category: Naruto
Genre: 25 Days of Christmas, 25 Days of Fic, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Gen, Kid Fic, Kid Hatake Kakashi, Kid Umino Iruka
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-09
Updated: 2015-12-09
Packaged: 2018-05-05 18:24:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5385860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unjaundiced/pseuds/unjaundiced
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There comes a time in every child's life where he never believed in Santa. Set the year after <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/5385431">Deck the Halls</a>.<br/>They're 7 and 8 years old.</p>
            </blockquote>





	9th Day of Winter - Fallacy of the Fat Man

There comes a time in every child's life where he or she stops believing in the magic of Christmas. Or Santa. Or in the spirit of goodwill and giving and all that other warm and fuzzy stuff. This terrible time of maturity comes earlier for some children than others–that is–if that child ever believed in the fat man or his precious holiday to begin with.  
  
Hatake Kakashi–at the ripe old age of eight years old–would claim he was one of those children who had never believed in such a fanciful notion. He would ascribe his insight into the universal lie to his initial meeting with the jolly elf and the strange alien light that accompanied him when he was all of three months old, as well as later experiences with strange incarnations of the man such as: Secret Santa, Surfing Santa, Hawaiian Santa, Deaf Santa, Kris Kringle, The Jolly Old Elf, St. Nicholas, Krampus the wicked troll who accompanies St. Nicholas on his rounds and punishes naughty children but who must obviously be an alibi for the man losing his temper on children who rightfully scorned his inferior gifts, and so on and so forth.

Nudist Santa was an especially unpleasant encounter; one that would be remembered in the annals of court history through a series of long drawn-out litigation and trials and community service that involved sewing buttons onto children's school uniforms by hand. A man with that many aliases and suspicious accounts of breaking and entry was no friend of his. To his eternal chagrin, all his immense logic was wasted on his longtime companion–The Brain.  
  
Technically his argument was with Iruka, but The Brain was the party piece; the focal point of their discussions regarding the red elf.  
  
“I'm telling you, he doesn't exist,” Kakashi said, kicking off the ground and arching his legs toward the sky.  
  
“He _does_ ," Iruka insisted, pushing Kakashi as he swung back.  
  
“It's impossible,” the older boy replied, swinging higher.  
  
“No it's _not_ ," Iruka whined, shoving Kakashi harder.  
  
“There is no way for a man of that size to enter someone's house without detection,” the older boy countered, sliding forward a bit on his seat before resettling himself.  
  
“Not to mention,” his trajectory went slightly astray as Iruka shoved him unevenly. “That there is no way for a single person to travel around the world and visit so many houses in a 24-hour period.”  
  
“And _flying_ reindeer? I really don't–”  
  
Iruka decided to push with his foot instead.  
  
“Hey, don't kick!”  
  
“I saw a reindeer yesterday!” Iruka shouted, frowning when Kakashi leapt off the swing, spinning in a fine dismount.  
  
“That was Maito-sensei's car,” Kakashi deadpanned. “You know Gai likes ridiculous things like that.”  
  
“I'm not talking about the car,” Iruka pouted, irritated that he'd forgotten about telling Kakashi about the Toyota dressed up as Rudolph complete with tail and blinking red nose.  
  
“I still say it's not possible for Santa Claus to exist. In fact, it's in his name! The English word “clause”. It means there is an amendment to some existing document somewhere; probably one proving he _doesn't exist_." Kakashi shrugged. “Or it could mean he has claws which would make him a type of animal. Then I still think he's that Krampus guy and he's going to beat everyone with a stick on Christmas.”  
  
“Santa gave you The Brain after you asked for it! How do you explain that!” Iruka shouted, pointing accusingly from his side of the swings.  
  
“I told you already,” Kakashi sighed heavily. “My _father_ gave it to me.”  
  
“It said 'From Santa' right on the tag,” Iruka cried, pushing his way through the swings.  
  
“In my father's handwriting.” Kakashi casually stepped back as he approached. “You don't think I can't recognize my own parent's writing?”  
  
“Our parents _help_ Santa! He's busy and he can't do everything himself!” The brunet lunged at Kakashi.  
  
" _Help?_ More like, they _are_ Santa,” Kakashi snorted, dancing out of the way. “ And what about Secret Santa? That's not Santa either,” he continued, needling the other boy with unholy glee.  
  
“Who says we can't help Santa either!” Iruka bellowed, charging his friend again.  
  
“But if we're doing the Santa-ing, then _we_ a re Santa and therefore he doesn't exist!” Kakashi jumped to the side and ran towards the UFO tower.  
  
“ _Kakashiiiii_ , ” Iruka whined, chasing after him.  
  
“You always do stuff like this! Why can't you just accept that he exists!” Iruka tried to grab Kakashi's shoe as he clambered up the structure.  
  
“Why can't you accept that he doesn't!” Kakashi countered, kicking his foot free.  
  
“You always think you're _soooo_ grown up, but you're not! Even my mommy says Santa exists,” Iruka shouted, climbing after the older boy.  
  
“Parents lie,” Kakashi called down, hoisting himself into the disc at the top. “Get over it!”  
  
“You're just scared you won't get what you want because you didn't talk to Santa!” Iruka yelled angrily through the hole at the bottom of the flying saucer.  
  
“I'm too old to talk to Santa, you dobe,” Kakashi yelled back, pushing Iruka's face back as he tried to climb in. “Talking to Santa is for babies and girls. Are you a girl?”  
  
Iruka grappled with Kakashi's hand and tried to bite his fingers, grinning triumphantly as they were snatched back.  
  
“Don't make fun of my warrior's tail! I know I have long hair, but I'm not a girl,” he declared, pulling himself up. “And Gai-kun still talks to Santa, so there!”  
  
“You're not proving your point,” Kakashi muttered, shifting back and pulling his scarf up over his nose. Iruka pressed his face close, nose almost touching Kakashi's through the scarf. The gray-haired boy looked away, fingers tightening on his scarf.  
  
“It's okay, I already talked to Santa-san for you,” the younger boy cooed.  
  
Kakashi's eyes snapped to his warningly, darkening with suspicion. Iruka leaned in closer, grin frighteningly wide as he whispered in his ear.  
  
“I told him what you wanted the most this Christmas was a DVD of Gai-kun and Ibiki-kun singing Christmas songs with Santa-san's wife and Mr. Muscle-sama dressed as a reindeer.”  
  
Kakashi shoved him away grouchily, grumbling, “That's the most awful thing I can think of.”  
  
“Nah, I told him you wanted an anatomical nerve figure complete with acupuncture points; the one that can light up inside.” Iruka practically crowed and sat back with a smug grin.  
  
Kakashi smiled slowly as he shifted to a crouch.  
  
“You had better watch out for Krampus this year. You've been _really_ bad this time,” he yelled, diving out the UFO's slide.

**Author's Note:**

> This work was originally posted on Livejournal in 2011 as part of the annual 12 or 25 Days of Christmas challenge. The story takes place by years and utilises Japanese honourifics as a necessity. I tried to use canonical names wherever possible and created original character names as needed.
> 
> Due to the conditions at the time, the writing is a bit clunky but will largely remain unedited.


End file.
